The Night of the Living Mary Sue
by Charlett
Summary: It's another murder case in the life of Phoenix Wright. Or is it? A strange new woman has appeared with him, demanding that he make out with her! Oh, the HORROR! The pure, unadulterated HORROR! One Shot


The Phoenix Wright fanfiction here on is ABISMAL. which is why I have taken it upon myself to revive it, one way or another.

Of course... perhaps with THIS story, people will want it to stay the way it's been... It's really nothing... don't pay it any mind, really. Unless you're laughing, then you can mind it a lot. I want a Steel Samurai Action Figure...

Anyway, READ ON!

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Night of the Living Mary Sue

Today was another day in the life of me, Phoenix Wright. It was also the day of another murder case. What I always found weird was that ever case I took had something to do with murder. I don't think I'll ever know why…

"Court is now in session!" The judge said after the gavel was brought down.

Edgeworth, across the way, raised his eyebrow at me, and I returned the confused look. What was he looking at me that way…? "…The prosecution is ready, Your Honor…" He muttered.

"The defense is ready, Your… Hey!" My sudden outburst made everyone look in my direction, there, snuggling under my arm, was a tiny, frail girl. She was small enough to look 13, but her eyes shown with the maturity of a 73 year old. A sage, in other words. This must have been the reason Edgeworth was staring at me like that.

"Go get 'em, Nick!" The girl said, still snuggled under my arm. She punched the air, and I was in too much shock to recoil in horror at the new girl under me.

"Who… who are you?" I asked, turning to face Maya. Unfortunately, the spirit medium was no where to be seen, "And for that matter, where'd Maya go…?"

"Don't you know, Nickiepoo?" The girl asked, sniffling a bit ("Nickiepoo…?" I thought to myself, sweating profusely). The girl looked away, tears stinging her eyes, "She… she's…

"Dead…"

I felt horrible, like Redd White had punched me in the gut, after hearing the news. Or maybe I was tazered by Von Karma? Getting assaulted by my enemies seemed to be another thing that happened WAY too many times. Finally shaking myself out of it, I looked at the tiny woman, "Why hasn't this news reached me…?" I asked.

"Don't you remember, Nick?" The girl explained, "She was cut down by a terrible person! I myself was accused of the charge, but once you fell deeply in love with me, you HAD to take on my case! We found out that it was my father who killed her, because he was jealous that I wasn't going to be the next in line to rule the Fey Family!"

"F… Fey…?" The Judge seemed to have forgotten about the entire trial. Strange, EVERYONE seemed to have forgotten that my client was accused of murder, "So, you're a member of the Fey Family?"

"Indeed!" The girl replied, nodding, "I'm Tenshi Boshi Fey! Chinami's other twin sister!" ("How can someone have 'Another twin sister'?" I wondered, "Doesn't that mean they're triplets…? And wait, Tenshi Boshi? That sounds an awful lot like Angel Starr…") "And ever since you helped me out with that HORRIBLE trial, we got married and I started working under you!"

"MARRIED!" Everyone in the courtroom reeled at the thought, and there was murmuring among the audience. The Judge silenced everyone with his gavel, and he turned to Tenshi, "But, Ms. Fey, aren't you like, thirteen?"

("Gahhh!" I moaned to myself, sweating bullets, "If this continues, I'll be convicted for pedophilia!")

"What are you talking about?" Tenshi Boshi Fey asked, putting her hands on her hips, "I'm 30 years old!"

"OBJECTION!" Edgeworth shouted, pointing his finger at the woman. I turned to him, my eyes filled with gratitude, "If you're Chinami's… other… twin sister, then you have to be a year younger than Mr. Wright!"

I mouthed a "Thank you!" towards the prosecution, and the girl burst into tears, reminding me much of April May, "You don't believe meeee! But it's true! IwaschargedformurderingmayafeybutyougotmeoffthehookandwegotMARRIED!" Fishing around, she was able to pull a paper from her cleavage (which, looking 13, she miraculously had. Probably a pushup bra…). "TAKE THAT! This paper PROVES we're married!" Upon closer inspection, the courtroom could recognize it as a marriage certificate.

"This paper does say that Tenshi Boshi Fey is married to Phoenix Wright. So does that make you 'Tenshi Boshi Wright', Mrs. Fey… Wright… Mrs.?" The Judge asked the woman.

"Haw, as if!" Tenshi said, putting her hands on her hips, a cocky grin on her face. I wanted to pass out and save myself the rest of this speech, "Wright is a stupid last name, Nickiepoo said so! He took MY name. Besides, the Fey family is matriarchal!"

"I see," The Judge said, nodding his head, "Well then, I think I'll have to pass the verdict that Phoenix's new last name is 'Fey'."

"What the? No! You can't do that!" I cried, practically throwing myself across the desk to stop the gavel from banging, "No, waiiiiiit!"

The gavel was about to drop when there was a "HOLD IT!" Everyone gasped, and turned to the door that lead into the courtroom. There, standing with a pile of broken rope on her arm, was Maya Fey, "I object! I object to that woman's testimony that I'm DEAD! Here I AM!"

"Maya!" I proclaimed, happier than a man whose name was Wright and then changed to Fey without any proper consent. MUCH happier, "You're alive!"

"Hell YEAH I'm alive!" Maya growled as the girl standing next to me seemed to shrink down into an adorable fetal position. The REAL Fey was huffing and puffing from the fact that she had ran here to the courtroom from the place she was beforehand, and she pointed at the imposter with a dramatic air, "That little jerk tied me up and rushed off to make out with you, Nick!"

"Thank goodness you escaped!" The Judge said, nodding solemnly, "I do believe the defense doesn't want to make out with people who look like they're jail bait!" ("You can say that again, Your Honor…")

"HOLD IT!" Edgeworth shouted, determined to get to the bottom of this. He slammed his hand on the desk, "How did you escape, anyway?"

"Huh?" Maya looked like she was deep in thought, and then she remembered, "Ah, yes, I remember! See, the woman tied me up super tight, so I just channeled Mia and my larger bust snapped the ropes to pieces so I could escape! Pretty smart, huh?"

Every male in the courtroom picked up a handkerchief and wiped away the blood that was dribbling down from their nose, "Well then, it seems that there's only one thing left to say," The Judge said, "since the witness ("He must be talking about Tenshi") has been lying about Maya, it's only natural that she was lying about the marriage." I sighed gratefully. This was the first time I was glad the judge overlooked evidence (Although the certificate was OBVIOUSLY a fake, so it didn't matter much anyway).

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The Judge nodded a few minutes later, "So, Mr. Edgeworth, where is the young woman now?"

"The police dragged her off to take her into custody, your honor. Since she was trying to hit on them, we had to use only female officers to get rid of her," Edgeworth replied.

Maya clapped her hands; she had miraculously reappeared next to me, "So now you're off the hook, Nick!" I sweated a bit at this time. Since when did this trial become about me, anyway?

"Alright then, these courts find that this marriage is null and void. This means that the defendant, Phoenix Wright, is…

"Not Married!" The gavel was brought down, there was cheering about the room and the audience threw confetti over the defense and prosecution. I wiped the sweat from my brow, sighing happily, "Well, looks like this is over…"

Edgeworth nodded, "Certainly seems that way, Mr. Wright…"

"Well, now, I wouldn't say that…" A young woman next to Edgeworth said happily, taking pictures with such a bright flash that it nearly made me blind, "I still haven't gotten a picture of you and Phoenix making out in a very sexually charged way!" Edgeworth looked across the way towards me, and the two of us, blinked, eyes wide.

There was only one thing left to do in this situation: "N… NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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"No… no…" I muttered, batting away a light that shone in my face, "No… go away…"

"Nick! Wake up!" Maya shouted, flashing a flashlight in my face, "You promised we'd go out to the toy store and pick up the Limited Edition Steel Samurai Action Figure! You PROMISED!"

My eyes shot open, and my salt filled eyes clearly made out my partner, Maya Fey. She was waving the flashlight in my face, "Come on! PROMISED!"

"Fine fine…" I muttered, sitting up from the couch that was located in the law offices of "Wright & Co.". Noon already, apparently, must have fallen asleep because of the lack of cases. "I just have to take five minutes to wash my face and bore a hole through my head so I can forget that horrible nightmare."

"Nightmare?" Maya asked, pressing the issue as I walked down to the bathroom, "What kind of nightmare do you get in the middle of the day?"

"The Night of the Living Mary Sue…" I said dramatically, closing the door behind me in Maya's face and locking it tight.

The young woman scratched the top of her head and put her hands on her hips, "Mary Sue? Sounds like a lame horror flick, to me…" She shrugged, "Oh well, not like I care much anyway," She then turned to walk back into the TV room. Steel Samurai was coming on soon, anyway!

ENDED AT STUPIDEST PLACE EVER!

THE END!

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Alternate endings include:

Maya then turned to walk back into the TV room. Steel Samurai was coming on soon, anyway! Little did she know, there was a strange young woman with a ton of rope ready to pounce on the spirit medium...

THE END! ... Question Mark!

But that, to me, sounded stupider than the ending now. Anyway, I hope you had fun reading this! Yay!


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